Oh heckitty hecking heck, Amanda!!! This hits so close! For me it was the Nifty archive, specifically the "Magic and Science Fiction" section. But every other detail here feels like I could have written it. I'm especially impressed with how well you capture that feeling of wanting a magical transformation and thinking that medical transition just wasn't going to be "enough". If I'd had any idea of how amazing transition would be, I'd have started 20 years ago, but instead I just kept deflecting and denying my transness through gender transformation fiction until, at 40, I couldn't deny it any longer. Now, here I am, two years into transition, and just overwhelmed by how much if life I'd been missing all this time! Thank you for writing this, and articulating this experience so beautifully!